The fear of the unknown
The thing about going through something like this is all the self-discovery that it brings on.
Yesterday I had my orchiectomy surgery (Google that at your own risk!). It was done in the same exact facility as my ureter stint placement by the same exact doctor, and I was given the exact same general anesthesia which means I wouldn’t remember a thing.
I remember how I felt the first time going into the ureter stint procedure. My bed was being rolled through the white, sterile hallways of the surgery center, and I was legitimately scared. I remember going into the operating room and seeing all the equipment. I remember moving from my hospital bed to the operating bed. And then I remember waking up in recovery and not remembering anything else.
In hindsight the stint procedure was nothing at all. Anything remotely painful or scary, I wasn’t going to be awake for anyway. So I thought going into this orchiectomy procedure would be different. Since now I had something to compare it to—and it wasn’t as bad as I feared the last time—I thought I wouldn’t have any anxiety this time.
I was wrong.
Now, I will say this time when I was pushed back into surgery and into the operating room, I wasn’t as scared as I was the last time. I remember yesterday coming into the room and they had the 90s music going (“Fly” by Sugar Ray to be exact), and I was kind of sad I was going to miss the rest of the songs.
But sitting in the pre-op room… waiting. That was the worst feeling of the whole day. I was anxious. I was nervous. My wife was there, and she held my hand and prayed with me. But I couldn’t shake the nerves as I just laid there in bed in my paper, purple gown.
At one moment, I turned to my wife and said, “It’s the fear of the unknown. That’s what it is. That’s what I’m anxious about.”
When I was talking with the nurses and the doctors about what was going to happen and what the next steps were, I was fine. And even this time being pushed back, I wasn’t anxious then because I had something to compare it to.
But when you’re just sitting there… waiting… and you don’t know what’s going to happen next or when it’s going to happen, that’s when my anxiety was at its worst.
That’s where faith has to come into play. That’s when you meditate on a verse like Philippians 4:6-7.
Today the procedure is behind me, and I’m home resting. I’m pretty sore at my incision site, which is to be expected the day after a procedure like that, but I was able to leave my anxiety in that pre-op room yesterday. But I’m sure it will find its way back next Monday morning when I start my first chemo treatment and have to face another fear of the unknown.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7